No words involved in my dismay
so words, they need not mend.
so try your best to understand
you needn't tell me anyway
this fear, not pain, leave words to fray
this fear that lets you bear in hand
the thought that friendship can't withstand
It is the fact that my dismay
is not of words; it is of way.
Basically: don't be paranoid.
Gaiel, what is it you wish for most?
I wish not to feel.
To sacrifice your empathy?
No. Total apathy.
You deny your very existence.
Then I wish I never existed.
What did you mean by what you said?
Say you didn't mean it as I interpreted.
It hurts too much to think I trusted you enough to be a true friend only to be let down by my own judgment, or by the incapability of my semantic understanding.
Whatever... If you didn't like me, you should have just said so.
Was it all false pretense then?
All a ploy?
Was I just some transitional creature to be forgotten in some lone rock, buried in time?
I don't need to make my life more interesting.
It was a blessed existence as it was.
I don't need a judge that rules by fire.
I need a friend.
You are a friend, right?
Please say you are.
There... that's real. The desperation is real.
All you needed to do was talk about your day and smile... and all the fears and loneliness would have faded away, with my knowing that there was someone there who still cared enough to share. You didn't need to know about how broken I am, or how much despair at loss had taken me over.
I just wanted to know you cared enough to share.
All I asked was that you share what you felt was excess of the soul.
Any indication of opening up would have been a dream come true.
whatever. There goes a huge chunk I, in hope, held on to.
This was a post I made in pinoy exchange...
this is going to sound oh so anti-Catholic...
a. I believe that Jesus' miracles weren't magic. They were extraordinary human experience (for the time) written into prose as symbols. e.g. Lepers weren't cured by Jesus. The definition of a "Leper" in Judea at Jesus' time was anyone with a skin disease, even pimples. If you had a skin disease, you were out-casted from society. If you are out-casted, people spit on you, stay as far away from you as possible, and condemn you because you are sinful. Your nation's law says that you have a skin disease because God hates you. Nobody at all wants to go near you, even less so be your friend. There are no opportunities for a stable job. Even your family is chastised as a sinful family. You fear for your soul, and the souls of your family, but there is absolutely no way you can offer sacrifice to God for forgiveness because... you have no money! Don't you think any ailment will get worse under these circumstances? Won't your rash worsen if untreated and aggravated with psychosomatic symptoms? Now... Jesus comes along and tells you, "I am your friend. God has forgiven your sins. I, the son of God, will dine with you." Don't you think this absolute vindication of all your suffering will result in the automatic dissipation of any psychosomatic and/or stress related illness? Anyway... that's what I mean by science and religion... The miracle there is not magic, but rather the fact that he was cured by the son of God, who befriended a sinner. The statistical possibility of a sinner being approached by anyone at the time is one in a billion. All he needed was some vindication, some love. That's the miracle.
b. All the rules of the Church change... but one thing has remained the same from Jesus' Ministry until today, and that is the fact that Jesus is message and messenger. The concepts of equality, charity, and living simply were always at the very core of Church teaching. It doesn't matter how grand the Basilica in Rome is. The main point is Social Responsibility. That hasn't changed in 2000 years of Church existence.
c. What's sad is that most Christians don't realize the message. Most are so stuck up following moral rules thinking that the end goal is heaven. Heaven isn't the goal... Bringing the kingdom of God to earth is the Goal. Heaven is where you go if you've done enough to try to bring the kingdom to earth.
I hope that was helpful... I'm not sure how helpful that was... thanks for the question though... that got me thinking really hard.
The course to run is a fork in the road.
It seems clear to me now that a clinician is something I may not want to be.
I want to be Timothy John Baker.
I want to be from Boston.
This may be the drive I've looked for for so long.
To live in service to Philippine education.
To do that, I have to keep the short term in mind.
Make it to BC.
Be there, in order to learn.
Become an educator.
Serve for the entirety of existence.
I revisit Boston as an option for pathways to a fulfilling future.
I also open a new option.
FU.
God save.
Please take time to read this...
People forget that Jesus was put on earth as a message. A part of that message is that the poor and oppressed are still with us. Even the poor seek extravagance. Yeah, they do. That doesn't mean that just because they're poor, they're morally correct... they are human as well. I don't see how anyone can say that amassing great wealth, even without being enslaved by it is correct... Christ was born into a middle class family, but chose to be with the outcasts of society such as The financially poor, the social outcasts, and the sinners. He chose to give himself wholly to these people. He lived his life giving to these people the message that God loved them, although the believed theological fact of the time was that God hated them, so he had condemned them. Jesus lived only by the hospitality of the generous, and his followers lived only in mediocre means. All things in excess were given for the basic necessities of proper human living. No true Christian should have excess in hand. In this day and age, where global society has reached a peak of poverty and moral depravity, how can any Christian truly say, "I am a good Christian although I have great wealth." The fact of the matter is, with all that has to be done to eliminate poverty in all its social, moral, and physical aspects, much is needed to establish God's kingdom on earth. When Jesus as the message was given to humanity two thousand years ago, he said that "The Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand." Christ never meant that if one decides to follow him according only to the moral conducts of his church, he would go to heaven. Rather, the message is that God is sending us to bring the Kingdom of God to earth by eliminating social inequality, moral depravity, and physical poverty. Heaven is only an afterthought. The message is to give ourselves wholly as well. One cannot truly say that "I give all of myself for the greater glory of God," and then amass a fortune to sustain the self. The amassing is in itself an act of selfishness that seeks to serve the self rather than Kingdom of God. I hope I made sense...
high school nman..
1. Bakit ka nahuhuli sa pila bago mag-flag ceremony?
> I'm one of the 10 earliest to arrive in the batch... I'm never late...
2. Anong favorite mong bilhin sa canteen?
> Taco Salad... Turon and Fried Chicken in Santie's!
3. Na-guidance/principal's office ka na ba?
> Pag birthday ni Fr. Manzana... kinakantahan namin sa office niya... plus pag may chorale beaurocratic work kami... pumupunta kami sa office niya :D
4. Sinong favorite teacher mo doon?
> probably Ms. Reyes... English GOD!
5. Tropa mo ba yung guard ng school niyo?
> hahahah! close kami ni Carpio! (Curfew)
6. Saan ka usually tumatambay? Why?
> Sa TTT! Tropang Tamad Table! kasi ang ganda ng location ng table namin e :p
7. What's your most unforgettable experience?
> Cheering Competitions... nobody cheers like an Augustinian
8. Varsity?
> chorale? semi varsity yun!
9. Sinong una mong nakilala sa highschool mo?
> same people since elementary... so.. yeah...
10. Sinu-sino mga kabarkada mo nung higschool?
> Iris, Nina, Tina, Mary, Alex, Verna, Lauren, Krish, Alfy, Maan, et al.
11. Nami-miss mo na ba yung uniform mo?
> Oh yeah... our uniform looks great with a khaki jacket... CSA uniforms are HOT!
12. Ilang beses mo nang nawawala ung ID mo?
> twice. It was once confiscated by the head teacher.
13. Favorite classmate?
> my chorale classmates :(
14. Most unforgettable person? Why?
> Iris! my gahd!
15. Kailan sa tingin mo dadating ang yearbook?
> March 13, 2006!
16. I-describe ang mukha mo sa graduation.
> babaeng mukhang lalaki.
17. Anong binibili mo sa labas tuwing uwian?
> Mudshake sa Rustan's San Antonio, or Fraps in Starbucks Petron-EdSA
18. Nakakita ka na ba ng multo sa school?
> we think so... creepy barong guy in CSA field...
19. Nangarag ka ba sa paghahabol sa projects?
> AHAHAHAHAH who hasn't...
20. Anong unang-una mong ginawa right after graduation?
> ripped off my school patch from my uniform :)
21. Ano naman ang papel mo sa Intrams?
> I was exempted from Intrams for the whole of High School!
22. Favorite subjects?
> Social Studies, and English.
23. Kung papalitan ang color ng uniform niyo, okay lang?
> I like our body slimming, body flattering, tight fit, pretty boy conyotique uniform as it is :)
24. Nasa Friendster mo ba yung crush mo sa highschool mo?
> yata...
25. Did you ever regret going to your highschool?
> yes. I have too much spite to lose.
26. Kilala mo ba kung sino ang nag- post nito?
> Talitha. She's not from my High School.
27. Sino sa mga ka-batch mo ang dapat isali sa STARSTRUCK?
> ang dami actually... we were a very arts and culture intrinsic school.
28. May bf ka ba nung highschool?
> si Iris. best friend ko (awww)
29. Kayo pa din ba ngayon?
> oo siya parin ata bf ko... pero we break up every other week.
30. Ano ang best section mo?
> 3G parin...
And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly;
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die,
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive,
So live for the moment.
And take this advice, live by every word,
Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard.
And there's three, count 'em-three
Children missing from the beach.
They were eager to learn,
To be taught, and to teach.
But the sad thing
Is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen
Due to neglect from their mother
Who was bed ridden by her ex-lover, their father.
And she didn't even notice, or pay much attention
As the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean.
Now all her advice, it seems useless.
Well, heaven's not a place that you go when you die.
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive.
So live for the moment.
And take this advice, live by every word,
Love's completely real,
So forget anything that you have heard,
And live for the moment now.
Hindi dapat kita minahal,
pero gustuhin ito ng puso ko.
Ayaw lisanin ng aking tingin ang iyong katauhan.
Hindi kita dapat tinititigan,
pero hindi ako makaimik,
hindi ko maikot ang aking tingin mula sa iyong mukha.
Hindi ko malaman kung paano sabihing "ako'y okay"
kung kabaligtaran ang katotohanan.
Hindi ko malaman,
kung papaano walain ang nadaramang ito.
Para lang malaman mo,
inuubos ako ng pagmamahal ko para sa iyo,
pero di ko man lamang mapigilan.
Hindi ko kakayaning gumawa ng wala
at pabayaan na makuha niya ang pag-ibig mo.
Para lang malaman mo,
sinubukan ko ng buong makakaya na pakawalan ka,
pero hindi magawa na ikaw ay iwanan.
Kailangan ko lang masabi ang lahat bago ako ay tila mawala.
Para lang malaman mo.
Namamatay ako sa kalungkutang ito
at tila nagiisip kung bakit naghintay ako ng ganitong katagal.
Sa pagbabalikisip, naroon nga, hindi iniimikan.
Naghinintay lang naman ako.
Para lang malaman mo,
inuubos ako ng pagmamahal ko para sa iyo,
pero di ko man lamang mapigilan.
Hindi ko kakayaning gumawa ng wala
at pabayaan na makuha niya ang pag-ibig mo.
Para lang malaman mo,
sinubukan ko ng buong makakaya na pakawalan ka,
pero hindi magawa na ikaw ay iwanan.
Kailangan ko lang masabi ang lahat bago ako ay tila mawala.
Para lang malaman mo.
Gaiel,
It is hardest, when all you exist to do is to embody beauty in words. It is a life graced with the gift of finding awe in all things, but the virtue you live to embody is the very thing that demands your full devotion, chaining you eternally to it's bosom. Then when you find love, as I did, it is only at the moment you decide to give up everything that you discover that the chains that bind you are beyond your capability to emancipate from. No man who gives his all can sever himself fully from the object of devotion. That is beauty's curse.
PM Blair: Mr. Estrada, is it true that the San Juanico bridge is the longest in the world?
Pres. Estrada: Uh, yes... Uh... Is London Bridge falling down?
Oh god my brain....
I finally got through 3 chapters of the overly planned underdeveloped "Epic of Apathy." It's been perc-ing in my head for 2 years now, but it's only been now that I was able to actually write down a piece (2 chapters!) The 21 chapter outline has been done for months, and the only real problem was filling in the spaces between each mark. I needed to write the damn thing... 2 chapters is short, and I plan on rewriting chapter 1, but at Ieast I started it. I WILL finish this book. This will be my prize. If you want a sneak peek into the writing, look for my blog posts with "apathy" or "epic" in the tag section. I just decided on Gael as main character tonight... it was either Gael or Mikio... I came up with those names months ago... yet I only decided now... Basic plot is Gael meets 3 problematics. Gael falls in love. Gael opens up. Gael's love is god. Gael searches for god's realm. Gael finds old gods. Gael on persistence, love, and doubt. Gael reads the writings on the wall. Gael rides the furry pink dragon. Gael finds his old god. Gael learns apathy.
Title:
The Epic of Apathy
Characters:
Gael - Anna - Jonathan - Amadeo - Abuel - Maria
Outline:
Chapter 1- Epic (summary in bullet form)
- the courage to wake
- awaken to the call of a sun beam
- numbness of fear, understanding
- apology to self for living (living as suicide)
- force of step
- silence and calm are not synonymous
- sunlight is a cage
Chapter 2- Gael
- wind on sandaled feet
- to face the risen sun
- the intersection of Abuel
- The eyes of gods
- god's never look down
- the pub, and anguish of lost youth
- a smile at others' sorrow
- depravity of the middle class
- the station: calm in chaos
- siren's wail
Chapter 3- The Narrative of Jonathan
- only we understand the god's realm
- we are bound by the very values that keep them alive
- The artist as artist
- art as a rose
- the artist's story
- the station as concrete
Others are still under process of revision/ rethinking...
You can read this because I ask you to help me make it... I'll post the stuff... you critique, edit etc.... pleassseeeee :D
If the world is to be defined as God's dream, sustained by unending grace, yet untouchable by the creator himself, intervention would negate his very existence. If God intervened on anyone's behalf, he would have to have meddled with will. His very own principle is that he could never bend will. If he intervened, it would also seem an injustice to the rest of the world.
"Are we not all equal in your eyes father?"
If God intervened, he would be a liar. I cannot accept my creator to be a liar. If God is not a liar, then he cannot intervene in any way in the workings of man. His gift is our existence, and the fact that he continues to sustain it. People forget that we do not exist on our own accord. We are continually sustained.
"Help me father."
He cannot then meddle in our affairs. It then brings about the most sorrowful of images to those who look in front instead of looking above. It's mortifying to wake up everyday, knowing that you're alone, and the world you are about to expose yourself to has the capability of hurting you in any which way it can. There are billions of possibilities of hurt, and you have only your own strength and human kindness to depend on.
"I am not as strong as the world around me."
Human kindness is a limited thing. Newspapers and CNN seem to prove to us, or at most seed in us a paranoia that humanity has lost it's very namesake. I am alone. I am in the middle of this gift of sustained existence in a grand dream. When I look forward, I see only the despair of existence. What do I see when I look up?
"I pray to be where you are."
In the middle of the fear of existence, we remember that the one entity we turn upon to ease our pain, is the one entity that cannot lay a finger on us. Our pleas are heard, but on the other side of a great wall that the creator himself made, and promised himself he wouldn't breach until the right time. The pain we lift up high might eventually only serve to pain him.
"Forever."
I look up to a better place. I will live as best I can, to live eternally with he who sustained my existence. I look up with a will to be with the creator, not with false hopes and despair.
