The Essays...

Katherine, How does one express his view on the world? Well, one can start by actually starting. Life never really gave us a path to follow, we just have to put on our shoes and walk whatever road we feel like walking. We spend all our lives believing that somewhere out there, there lies a place truly for us. That’s romantic and all, but with all the people in the world? If each of every soul that ever existed had a special place, the world would be filled twice over. Whatever happened to predestination? It never existed, at least in my opinion. I’m an existentialist, or rather, I am studying, and/or am loving existentialism, so I believe that whatever you do is your choice, and your choice alone. I never believed in predestination. I don’t think God would be snoopy enough to kick us in one direction, or another. That just doesn’t seem like a merciful God. Aside from that, I also think that predestination messes will. So where does God leave man? At his side... right where he belongs. He watches us as we walk in whichever direction we want. When we get hurt, we learn, and when we feel hopeless... that’s when he intervenes. Hope is a very blessed thing, it just seems so divine. Hope moves mountains, it serves as inspiration, and it is a precursor to love... and when we love, that is when we discover our true purpose. What is this purpose? ”To love and be loved in return.” Yup... that’s what all this time was for... What about you Katherine, what do you believe? Kudos, Mickey Dear Katherine, You know that my birth is unclear to me. Not just because self consciousness comes about a few months after birth, but also because my mother repeatedly tells me a truly unbelievable story whenever I ask about my birth. All I know as fact is that I was born on December 16, 1987, at 5:55 pm, early by about a month, I was born in Manila Medical Center and I initially weighed in at 7.5 kg. My mother never had an ultrasound, as to keep the gender of her child secret. She always assumed it was a girl, but at 5:55 pm on December the 16th, she gave birth to a boy. What’s the unbelievable part? It’s the circumstance of my birth. My mother and my grandmother were avid shoppers, and during the Christmas season of 1987, she was well behind on her Christmas list. Because of such circumstance, she and her mother went to Ayala Center in Makati to do their last minute shopping. After a few hours, lots of paper bags, and a multitude of stores later, her placenta broke. This is what my mother calls “a sign from God,” a sign which meant I would love shopping as well. I don’t, but I do love Ayala Center. She was rushed to Manila Medical Center. She gave birth the next day, and her labor lasted 6 hours. I have no recollection of the day I was born, because as I’ve said, self consciousness comes only a few months after birth. I was baptized on the 2nd of January 1988, in Malate church. I have long forgotten the name of the Columbian priest who baptized me, and have misplaced the only legal proof of my baptism. My Godparents have all immigrated to the United States, and seem to have forgotten me. That’s also why I don’t get many gifts at Christmas. My early years were mostly under the care of my grandparents, since my mother was assigned in far away Zamboanga, then Tacloban. On my first birthday, we celebrated in Mc Donald’s, a place I still hold dear in my heart. Isn’t it funny? When I look back at my four favorite institutions, namely Ayala, McDonalds, BPI, and Globe, they all played a valuable part in my early childhood. Ayala is where why mother’s placenta broke, McDonalds is where I celebrated my first birthday, BPI was my first bank, and Globe, my first cellular phone line. Isn’t it odd? Kudos, Mickey Dear Katherine, Have you ever had the feeling that everything you have done was for naught? Have you felt so hopelessly lost in anonymity that you have forgotten your self-identity? I know anonymity supposedly fosters individuality, but I feel differently. I do not understand life after all. After all the books I have read, all the discussions I have entered, all the pointless little scribbles on paper. After all the long hours in coffee shops, or in McDonalds thinking of new ideas, formulating new insights on life, I have not moved an inch towards an understanding of life. There’s always a factor deviant from the rest. There’s always a missing piece. I feel so incomplete, as if nothing at all makes sense... I’ll share with you a song, which depicts exactly how I view life. Mind your manners Watch your weight Be a good boy Just behave What's wrong with you? Settle down. Keep your two feet on the ground. Sit up straight Stand up tall Never falter Never fall Stay in school Make the grade Never fail And never fade Be a hero Be a star Anything but what you are Find a girl to possess Always pay, pursue, protect Be a master Be a slave Work your ass into an early grave Daddy's favorite little girl Dress up in your momma's pearls Serve us breakfast in her bed Heard a little kiss on the forehead You are sugar You are spice You are growing up so nice Paint your nails Paint your face Paint around the empty space Find a man that can provide Try and fill the hole inside With a family and a home Tell yourself you're not alone Keep your memories of yourself In a shoebox on a closet shelf This is unfortunately my view in Life. We are born to follow social norms. Conformity becomes a means of survival. We are expected to follow a certain road that is pre set by society. Though all our roads may be different, they are all parallel. I don’t want to follow the road that was set for me. I want to follow a different route. I have always been taught that life is tough. It is full of compromises, full of relativity. I refuse to believe that the world is that way! I will live my life in the perfectly utopian sense which I have perceived the world to be. I will be hurt. I will bleed. I will be slaughtered by the world and its new found viciousness, but I refuse to stand down! Let them strike me, with faith as my shield and hope as my banner, I will continue to rise after every blow! I have committed myself to understanding life and spreading hope, spreading understanding, but only when I find it for myself. Maybe I don’t understand life, but at least now I realize I know what I want to do with my life. Spread hope, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. I have decided. I asked for a sign, and it was given to me. I asked for one month of proper discernment, and self evaluation. Then if all goes well, I choose which house to enter, and from then on, there’s no turning back... God help me. Kudos, Mickey I sit leaning on a pillar, but I do not feel secure. My soul is torrent, swirling, confused, yet unafraid. My hands quiver, my eyes linger on a point upon my palms. I feel the rush of blood into my head, an excitement I have not felt before, a bitter, painful yet enlightening sensation, gripping me, pinning me upon stone. I see the world now differently. My eyes now see what they had not before. My body swirling, my heartbeat pulses faster. Beata Maria... pray for me. Dear Katherine, I am afraid of what’s to come... I am afraid that this sign may be wrong. I am at a period of one month discernment, and at day 5 I can already feel the pressure building up. I have to have the will to go through with it. After all, I chose to take this path. I am lucky to be able to have chosen this. What is to become of me? Which road shall I take? The road I have dreamed of taking? Where I work in a hopelessly urban jungle? Where I live in a condominium twenty stories above the ground? Where I work 10 hours a day and work is my only passion? Do I pursue this? Or will I take the other route? The road less taken? Where I can be what I believe God calls me to be? A fork in the road is before me. I can chose to live my life as just another corporate slave, which has always been my dream, or shall be just a man, in service of others? Shall I type all day, or shall I pray? Shall I instruct, or shall I teach? Shall I follow, or shall I inspire? “I left the first for another day, but knowing how way leads on to way, I doubt if I should ever come back.” -Robert Frost I can only choose one route. I have to choose soon. My decision comes in 25 days... then there’s no turning back. What if something happens though? What if circumstances are that I find a different road? Or am I so blinded by the allure of two roads that I forget the rest? Am I blind? Blinded? I have to clean up the messes in my life. I should think clearly, not just jump into anything. My faith is at stake. I must be careful. I need an adviser... I can’t do this alone. Kudos, Mickey Katherine, This is a poem I wrote the other day, when I found the sign I was looking for... Kudos, Mickey “I'm lying down on the floor, directly under a sunbeam. Angelic choir songs are playing beside me as I stare at the ceiling. My vision begins to blur, as saline flows steadily from my pores. I feel the warmth, I see the light, I hear the music. My eyes linger upon a point above me, a swirl in the wooden sky. I feel my body swivel, although I am still, it feels as if the wind is taking me to greater heights. I am floating! I take a breath of air; it's as if new life has flowed into my body. I feel a re-genesis of my whole being. I sense the oxygen in my veins, the electricity in my brain. My senses heighten, and I hear the music clearer. The music engulfs me, the warmth caresses my skin, I feel my soul reaching out to the surface, and my fingers radiating light. I reach out into the sky, and cry out in silence. My fingers and toes curl. Then I fall back into the ground, soft as a feather. I close my eyes and imbed that moment in memory. I open my eyes and find myself where I began, my nose bleeding, my body perspiring.” Katherine, Would you like to know about my introduction to Philosophy? I’ll tell you my story. There was nothing wrong with my life. I lived a “different” childhood, but I enjoyed it. I look back and see the contentment on my face when I look back to my young years. By first year high school I had a utopian life, at least by the youth’s standards. I had friends, my mom had allowed me to go out with my friends, I had a manageable allowance, and my grades were acceptable by most standards. I did what most children my age did, I studied, I went out to watch movies, I bought CDs, I would crack jokes, insult people behind their backs, talk about this girl I had a crush on, etcetera, you know, everyday teen stuff. I was living life, dreaming dreams, yet I felt so empty. I left first year with a smile on my face, many “see you next year” notes in my pocket, and a feeling of emptiness. I returned the next year, a sophomore student, with the normal “Here we go again, another boring school year” notion in my head. I entered the classroom and copied down my class list. I found a name, Cayabyab, Philander. He was to become my Asian history teacher, but he became so much more than that. He entered the room two days after I discovered his name, and exclaimed, “I am Mr. Philander Cayabyab. When I graduated from college, I had two Latin words beside my name, Cum Laude.” That was the most pompous thing that anyone has ever said to me. My initial impression was that he was a self absorbed man, who while teaching, likes to bask in his own light. He asked that we call him Sir Soc, since that was his College name, and probably because he didn’t like what his name meant, “Lover of Men,” (Philo- Love of Andros- Man). The next day, he started the lesson with a smile on his face, and a statement, “This won’t take long.” He then spent the next thirty minutes discussing the lesson for the next week. I was dumbfounded. He was a genius! He discussed a chapter’s worth in thirty minutes, and I understood it. I was left with my mouth hanging and he, with his unfading grin, like the Cheshire cat. He then started asking us questions that had absolutely nothing to do with history. He asked us what made a country successful, why we think God exists, why people do what they do. He asked us the most simple questions, most people found it stupid, I found it intriguing. I looked at him again, and I didn’t find the Self-obsessed man I once saw, rather, I saw an innocent child with all the questions in the world, and we, the students, were the adults. We were to answer his questions. Our roles had switched. His class continued on that way until the end, thirty minutes a week for Asian history, and the rest was all an introduction to his little branch of Philosophy. He recommended books for us to read in case we were interested in finding answers, rather than just questions, and once in a while, he would answer his own questions. I learned many things from him, things that in a way, make me grin as well. I found purpose, I found meaning, and I found answers to the many questions that by then floated in my mind. I had found that I wanted something else. I didn’t want the old stereotypical teen lifestyle I once lived, I wanted more. I wanted to find truth, understand human nature, see why people act the way they do, and why they buried themselves in graves that they themselves create. I wanted to know why God exists, why we exist, why we love, why we hate, why have I only discovered this now? A world of questions opened up before me, simple questions, yet no one seems to answer them. I thank the man who infused in me this passion. I tried to talk about my new love of truth with my old friends, but they just laughed and returned to their stereotypical lives, but by then I had had enough of my old life. I dropped my old friends. I found a new group I could discuss with. I changed my buying habits, from CDs to books, from movies to student forums. That was the greatest change in my life. I found a place where I was happy, where I could be someone I wanted to be. I found life lovelier as days passed, and I started asking even more questions. The greatest praise I have ever gotten was this, “You’re like a child. You ask stupid questions.” What makes a thing important is how much you are attached to it. My questions may seem stupid, but at least I know I dared to ask what no one else had bothered to. I too became like a child. Innocent, I looked at the world from a new perspective, and everything became a thing of wonder. I was fascinated with the world, and I found beauty in everything. That was my deliverance. I found the Promised Land, a place where everything was beautiful. I didn’t cross the red sea, nor did I see a pillar of fire, but the Jews only saw a handful of miracles in their journey, I found a world full in mine. At the end of the year, he was fired for obvious reasons, but he taught me many things, which sums up as, It’s not how much money you have, or how many awards you have garnered in your life, but rather how much you understand life, and how many people you have tried to understand. If you remember, at the beginning of this letter, I likened him to the Cheshire cat, in a way he was like the Cheshire cat, as when we look at why the Cheshire cat has its mysterious smile, it’s because it knows everything, or because it knows something you don’t know. As for sir Soc’s case, he found a path towards truth. He does know something we don’t know. Someday I wish to be able to smile like he does. I am eternally grateful for all he’s given me. I wish someday to pass it all on to someone else. Maybe even you Katherine... Kudos, Mickey