What if life hadn't sent me down a different path?

I just thought about it, what if fate didn't change me... what would my blog be like... I'll show you... He's in my head again. Every night it's always the same dream... I look down the same cliff I dream of every night, looking down into the pit of darkness that lies in front of me... My wrists are bleeding... this wouldn't be the first time... I feel the cold wind brush against my face, it's frightening to feel what I feel, see what I see. I want to die. I hate life. I was a very weird kid... according to my guidance councilor in highschool, there are 4 stages of suicide. I was at 3. Hahahaha, isn't it funny? From loner to laugher in 3 years... thank God for that... The christmas season had me thinking of all sort of things, especially a very unpleasant 3 years known as my "black period" followed by the 2 year "orange period" then the current "blue period." I'm just throwing thoughts around... I sometimes like to do that... Past, present, future... I was soo weird back then, even weirder than now. I was into minor witchcraft, and all this agnostic stuff. I wore all black... and my wardrome is littered with bits and peices of that past... a bracelet here, a necklace there... torn black pants... black shirts... hahaha some of it's gone, but I had about a wardrobe full before... to all of you who don't know the size of my wardrobe, it's the size of a broom closet. Would I have been happier if I had not evolved? I was happier back then... now that I think about it. I was so sure of myself, because my philosophy was all that matters is myself. Now, it's all fake smiles and many many unmeant complements... to keep others happy... My new goal seems to be keeping everyone else happy, except of course me... That's me... and christmas... I never liked christmas...