deux aneé

Notice the current blog song? It's dedicated to someone... It's been two years since I've done that stupid thing... So it's kinda our "anniversary." I really did love you. You were more to me than just a normal friend... I was scared. I didn't know what to do, how to go about it... I was torn by you, although you didn't know what you were doing. You drove nails into my soul, you pierced me, promising to heal me, but you left me bleeding, longing more of your torture. I wanted to reach you. I wanted to feel, to understand. I hid under what you believed was friendship. In reality though, every time you said "you're such a good friend," a part of me died, and as my self understanding was being torn apart by a false premise that I myself had set. I decided finally, it was too much. I could not take any more death without the promise of rejuvination, the promise of rebirth. I let go of you. I was afraid of knowing what would have happened if I hadn't. I fell deep. I needed you. Without you, my soul regained strength, but my world crumbled. My perspective had been altered. I was no longer the person who sought to love you, but I had become the person who thought he had never needed you. I grew stubborn. I left my world behind, I spent my time hating you, cursing your name. You didn't understand... You hurt me... I loved you. I should have never let you go. No one understood me. I stood at the verge of paranoia's peak, about to fall into the arms of self mutilation, immorality, and total abandon of will. A year had passed, a year of extreme pain. A year that I had devoted on numbing you out. I had lost most my friends, except a select few who stood by my side. I had quit all my organizations, although they were all dear to me. I had forgotten who I was, and the person being built where my old self once stood wasn't as beautiful as the original. It had been a year... and on the exact day I had thrown us into the pit of dark memories, I thought about the year that passed, how I had loathed you for your wreckless abandon, but it was at that moment I realized that nothing was your fault. My sinking into despair was not your doing, it was mine. A tear ran down my eye, everything shone clear now. It was as if the sun had risen after a year of hibernation. It was blinding. I had not stopped loving you after all... I had loved you all this time, yet as I had decided to let you go one year past, I had to find a reason of forgetting that my feelings still existed. I immediately left the room I was currently in, paying no heed of the instructor. I ran towards the location of a dear friend of mine, to tell of my new epiphany, and who was I to come accross but you. You stared at me, only to stiffen your face as you always do to hide your true emotion. I knew you all too well. You passed me by, and as you walked further away from me, I shouted, "I'm sorry." You turned to me with an expression of relief on your face. "The last year was unbearable," I continued as you walked towards me once again. You smiled. "That's okay," you said in the all too familliar voice of warmth you possess. "Were we fighting?" Then you turned and walked away. I never really had the courage to tell you how I had felt, and even a year after patching things up, you never did find out. You never will. That's our story. This is our song. I don't know if I still love you, I probably don't, but because of you, a better me was made. I now am a manifestation of 18 years of life, and 2 years of love. I thank you for your time, and your friendship. I'm still a coward though... I know you don't read blogs, but somehow I wish you do. "Here I go, so dishonestly leave a note, for you my only one, and I know, you can see right through me, so let me go, and you will find someone..."